“I felt broken. Physically. Emotionally. I had a complete breakdown. I felt like a broken human. I was so tired. Lifeless. And I finally Googled the one thing I hadn’t really wanted to Google.”
In just a few days, Annie — my spankin’ new daughter — will be three months old. That means I will have reached the end of what is commonly referred to as “the fourth trimester.” That period postpartum when the baby still thinks its in the womb, and the mom is — I’m not sure what the mom is. But I know that for me, this fourth trimester has been tough. Trying. Exhausting. Emotional. Wonderful, amazing, monumental — but definitely hard. So on this solo episode, I talk about all of it: the pumping, the boob stuff, the expectations, the realities, and the truths. I talk about why I’ve been living in fear, and open up about what went down over the holidays, and how it ended with me Googling and really looking into postpartum depression. Plus, I talk about having help — thank god for help! — and answer listener questions.
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What I mention on this episode:
“I Had a Baby!” Episode 106 of the Ali on the Run Show
Laura Anderson on Episode 92 of the Ali on the Run Show
Chrissy Teigen Opens Up for the First Time About Her Postpartum Depression, via Glamour
Michele Gonzalez on Episode 19 of the Ali on the Run Show
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My baby was born 2 days after Annie (and also was v. small at birth although not preemie and totally healthy). I’ve loved following you and Annie on instagram and your podcasts about her. I have to say, I’ve said to my husband more than once “why isn’t my baby as smiley and happy as Annie??!?!” It is so hard not to compare those pretty instagram moments with the reality of a crying baby. On the other hand, some things came easily for me and my baby, and I totally take it for granted if I’m not careful.
Anyway – you are doing GREAT, and I’m glad you are sharing your experience with us. Please continue to get all the support you need – this is hard stuff!
Terrible runner but fellow new first-time mom who’s been reading/listening for awhile, but never left a comment. I’m about 4 months ahead of you in this baby journey, and enjoyed reading and relating so much to your story, from working out while pregnant, to wrapping my head around baby gear, and just experiencing this crazy process of growing a human inside your own body. But this post I relate to most of all, and just wanted to thank you for sharing. Everything you said is so spot-on with how I’ve felt these last few months (feeling bad about needing help, my relationship with my husband, my borderline need for PPD/PPA help, my looking at other moms and wondering how they’re all doing this with so much grace, my not feeling like a “mom”). Nowhere else have I found such real, candid talk about the whole of these first few months of motherhood (certainly not on all those awful forums and facebook groups!!), so thank you for making me feel less alone.
I also just want to say, since it seems like our paths have been so similar…you have so much to look forward to in the coming months 🙂
Loved this! I’m in my first trimester so I can certainly appreciate the raw candidness of early motherhood. You’re killing the mom game…keep up whatever you’re doing, just stop comparing yourself to not real life (at all) Instagrammers! No one has anything down pat so keep reminding yourself of that. Thanks for sharing and looking forward to seeing more Annie pics!
First, Annie is just adorable! Second, I am sorry that breastfeeding and pumping have been such a struggle for you. Being a new mom is can be so hard, but having those challenges on top of everything else is really tough. And third, I remember when you wrote about body image and how one day you just decided to cold-turkey stop the negative self-talk…to have the strength and will to do that was incredible. Maybe you can do the same with the comparisons to other moms on Instagram. You and I both know those images and stories are curated to present only the best and most “blessed” narrative. It’s a fantasy, and comparing that fiction to messy real life doesn’t serve any of us real moms well.
I want to start by saying I had PPD, so there is no judgement from me. As I was listening to your podcast I noticed that you praise other moms but talk negatively about yourself. You are doing an amazing job. I feel like you are being way too hard on yourself. You don’t know what those #soblessed women are truly going through. They might not–and probably don’t–have it all together. As a side note, I found my PPD cleared up after I stopped pumping and got my period back.
Ali I empathized with so much of this. My son is almost 3 and I’ve recently realized I am and have always been trying to be “good enough”. I think I think I should be able to take care of him all by myself with no help. My first overnights alone with my son were when he was 2.5 and they were rough! My husband will be traveling for work again in a couple weeks and I’ve doubled our child care from the last time. I look at the women on Instagram and think “how do they do it!?” Please do an update episode if you figure out how to be comfortable with needing help/being imperfect 🙂
Loved all of this candid talk and could relate to/remember everything you are feeling. I was definitely the new mom with my phone at OTF skipping the stretch to rush home when it wasn’t even needed!
Just in case you have any more car trips in the books before you are finished weaning, this car charger was a game changer when it came to pumping on the go (as a passenger, not the driver!).
I have the car charger! And thank goodness for it! I pumped while we were driving and have a handful of times, which is so convenient — just needed to stop because the parts were stashed in the backseat and I needed to assemble!
Great episode!! As a mom of 2 amazing boys (now 17 and 14), I think it is so important to talk about and share the good and the bad or hard parts of patenting. I know the days can seem long and difficult now, but it does get “easier,” but don’t forget to enjoy little Annie right now too. Try not to look at social media mom’s…. Because I’m telling you, they do complain, they do fall apart, they just don’t show that! And, by the way, I think you are killing it as a mom ❤️
I’m a fairly new listener to the show, and absolutely love it!! You bring in such amazing people to chat with! So, thank you!!
Have a wonderful day!!