I’ve never really been on board with the whole “adult birthday” concept. It’s always felt weird to me to celebrate being, say, 28. I’m too old for my mom to bring cupcakes into my office, so what’s the point?
This year, especially, my birthday is just another day I’d like to ignore.
Leading up to today, Brian kept asking what I wanted to do for my birthday, and I’ve repeatedly told him I want to skip it.
“We’ll celebrate when there’s something to celebrate,” I’ve told him.
So here we are, on the day I turn 28, and I don’t have a special outfit to wear to work or a Facebook event telling everyone that tonight is about me. Instead, I’m sick. Friggin’ still.
I spent the entire weekend on the couch, and by last night I really reached my breakdown-meltdown point. I couldn’t stand the noise from the TV. I hated the feeling of the leather couch against my skin and I got this overall feeling that I was trapped in a prison of my apartment — and a prison of my body.
I did spend a lot of time this weekend baking. I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and zucchini chocolate chip muffins. So I have a lot of those hanging around.
I’ve also developed tiny red, itchy bumps all over my body, which is apparently a side effect of the Humira. So how fun: I get the annoying side effects yet none of the benefits! So far this drug is the absolute best!
My plan for today is to make it to the office for an 11 AM meeting and see what happens from there.
If I can work a full day, great. If I’m back on the couch watching “Beverly Hills, 90210” by 3 PM, then I’ll let you know the latest between Slutty Kelly and Sexy Dylan.
There will be no cake. No celebrating.
At least not yet.
I do, as always, have some birthday wishes, though. I realize that saying them “out loud” means they won’t come true, but I’ve also admitted recently to wishing on imaginary morning rabbits, so I think we’ve passed the point of practicality here.
Here are a few things I’m wishing for today, on my 28th birthday:
I want to run one lap around the Reservoir. Maybe 12 laps. But I’ll settle for one, 1.57-mile circle around that beautiful body of water.
I want to miraculously be able to run the Brooklyn Half Marathon in two weeks. I know I keep saying I have no intentions of running it. That’s the story I tell all of you. In my head, I haven’t given up on running this race, even if it means I walk the damn thing. In my head, I still think I’m going to be at that start line. It’s delusionally optimistic. I know.
I want all the friends I’ve pushed away and ignored since getting sick to know I still love them and miss them.
I want someone to unpack my suitcase from Arizona. It’s been a week and the pile is somehow getting larger.
I want to have an entire GChat conversation with LBC without complaining. She’s been taking the brunt of my frustration about this disease and I’m beginning to feel badly. So maybe today I will talk about her happy things instead of my sad ones. Cheese!
I want my friend Sara to move to the Upper East Side and not further downtown where things are “cooler” and “trendier.”
I want to go a day — I’ll bargain for an hour, even — without pain. I just want to sit comfortably for a few minutes without writhing around in discomfort.
I want to go back to Matt P.’s spin class at Crunch.
I want Celine Dion to go on tour, and I want tickets to her NYC show. Front row or bust.
I want to sleep through the night. In bed. Not on the couch.
I want a new couch.
I want to go back in time to be able to plan Tyler’s first birthday party, which happened yesterday, and which I wasn’t able to attend…
It broke my heart not being there. Facetiming my way in wasn’t the same.
I want another new Erica Sara Designs bracelet.
I know I said no cake, but I’m changing my mind: I want that really delicious three-layer Pepperidge Farm cake that they sell in the freezer section at drug stores and gas stations. Vanilla cake. Chocolate frosting. One fork.
I want to have enough energy to walk from the couch to the kitchen and back without having to take a break.
I want to remember what it feels like to be healthy. I truly have no recollection of what that’s like, and that sucks.
I want to finally write the blog post about how I’m feeling better, and how much I’ve appreciated all of your kind words and your support during these dark days. How sick are we all of reading about Crohn’s disease? Trust me, I know. But I’ve got nothing else!
I doubt I get 28 wishes today. So if I only get one, let it be this one…
I want to be a healthy, happy 28-year-old. Starting today.
90 Responses
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Hope you had an awesome birthday and that you not feeling great did not put too much of a dampener on it. Wishing you loads of love laughter happiness and health for the year ahead
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling under the weather. And the fact that it coincides with your birthday is just awful. I think being you is enough reason to celebrate! I loved the “newsies” back pack. That is my all time favorite musical. Before anyone knew who Christian Bale was, he was the the star of Newsies. Hope you start feeling better!
Happy Birthday Ali!
Happy Birthday! Sending you well wishes and dreams of cheese wheels! You will get through this!!!
Happy belated birthday. I hope you are toeing the line of the BK marathon. FaceTiming is TOTALLY not the same; my niece and nephew (3&5) live in California, and I haven’t seen them since July. They are my loves and I hate not seeing them, it literally makes my heart ache. I pray you get to go to Tyler soon, your first nephew/niece is always your closest! (Mine is 18 and we are extremely tight)
Good for you for putting this out in the universe! It’s coming!!
I hope your birthday was awesome. Cheers to a healthy year ahead (and lots of really great UES adventures! It’s the best up here).
Best!
Happy belated birthday, Ali! I hope your day is great, despite the sickness.
Happy Birthday. Hope your main wish comes true at least.
Happy Birthday Ali! I love reading your blog. I pray that you start feeling better soon.
I am on the fence about the Brooklyn Half too! If I do it, it will be my first half marathon, but I have pulled both my calves in the past 2 weeks. I got back to running and it was miserable and painfully slow. I had a 2:05 goal, and I barely finished 10 miles in 2 hours. If you want a (blog stalking, same-name) “running” partner, we can hobble the whole way together! P.S. Happy belated birthday!
Hi Allie! My heart hurts with you, but also wants to send you a hug. I discovered your blog a few months ago while recovering from surgery from my newly diagnosed Crohn’s. It was a lot to take in, but having someone roughly my age who seemed like she could easily be one of my friends take the words right out of my mouth and write them into the world helped immensely! I got out the hospital today after a brief yet intense flare, and it just reminded me how far I’ve come since the dark days of February and March when I truly believed I would never feel better. But there was a light at the end of my tunnel! And even though there was another fucking tunnel after that one, there was light again too. So, my long-winded point, is: even though you can’t remember now, you WILL feel better again someday, and every sensation that normal, healthy people take for granted will be so much sweeter for you! Hang in there, girl! <3 P.S. please make sure someone nice is massaging you regularly. This creepy suggestion is the most helpful I've got!
Happy birthday, Ali!
I’m just shy of half a year older than you, and after going under the knife in November, my GI system is FINALLY causing me somewhat less grief than before. Empirically speaking – based on a sample of one person (that would be me), 28 is a much healthier and happier age! 🙂
Joking aside though, hang in there – it WILL get better at some point. I know how annoying and unhelpful such “encouraging” cliches are when one feels like absolute shit, heh – particularly when “at some point” can seem so very far away. At least, that has always been my reaction, and I’ve never been even close to as sick as you are. So, sorry about potentially adding to the frustration – but I guess you know that the messages are all very heartfelt.
Happy Birthday! I hope you feel better really soon and can have a delayed celebration with lots of cake and 16 Handles!
Happy Birthday ali!! I really hope you get your wishes!! keep your spirits up! 🙂
I have been a reader of yours for a long time and really, really hope you get better soon. I admire your strength and courage so much. I’m also going through some scary health issues and even though I know things are really tough for you right now, reading your posts really help me a lot. I find you so inspirational and such a fighter. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I get a lot of comfort from reading your post, and I can relate to a lot of what you’re writing about..
Praying for you and I really hope you are feeling better soon. You’re a beautiful, amazing person and all this just shows what an incredible person you are..stay strong. Happy birthday Ali!
Happy Birthday Ali! And my wish for you is to run/walk the Brooklyn Marathon.
Ali, from a fellow Taurean also born on the 6th of May … Happy Birthday! It is now the 7th here in New Zealand but I wish you all the best for your birthday and hope you feel better soon. x
Big, big birthday hugs, Ali! I’m sending you good energy from the Alaska mountains. (Hold your arms out the window: Can you feel it? It’s cool and damp and smells of spruce trees and new grass.) Hope you feel better soon. P.S. You WILL be running soon, trust me.
Happy, happy
Ali happy birthday! I am so sorry you are going through this. I can absolutely relate to how you feel. Your blog is very inspirational to me. I always feel crazy for how I feel but your candid honesty solidifies how I feel. Thank you for being so honest and I know eventually your rabbit rabbit rabbit wish will come true. Blessings KK.
Happy Birthday! I am sorry that it is not so happy for you. I have never been a fan of planned celebrations either. I buy my friends presents as I come upon them. Sometimes (usually) it is nowhere near their natal day or Christmas. I don’t care. Celebrate the moment. Start planning your special “I feel good” celebration now! Sending healing thoughts your way.
Happy Birthday, Ali! Turkey and I are wishing you a happy, healthy year. I hope that Humira kicks in soon!
happy birthday ali….. hoping all your wishes come true 🙂
Happy birthday!!!
Happy birthday! New to the blog and felt compelled to comment today; I truly hope you feel better soon!
Happy Birthday, Ali. We all want you to be healthier. May it happen soon.
I really hope things start going better. When are back to the doc?
Happy happy birthday! Maybe this is the start of a healthy year for you. I admire your tenacity and light (and delightfully sarcastic) spirit! Keep your chin up!
Happy birthday, Ali! Sending lots of healthy thoughts your way!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope all those wishes come true and you get healthy soon!
Happy non-Birthday to you. Here’s hoping your one wish comes true.
I’m sporadic with commenting, but felt the need to send some Internet, stranger, birthday love! Hope your 28th year is happier and healthier!
Happiest of birthdays, Ali! Sending you lots of healthy vibes and dreams of feeling better.
Happy Birthday, Ali! Keep Dreaming… Love 🙂
Happy Birthday Ali!!! I’ll make 28 wishes for your healthy return to all things “Ali”! Hang in there kid, we’re all pulling for you.
Happy Birthday! Here’s hoping for a much healthier year ahead of you!
Here’s hoping that at least one, and hopefully a whole bunch, of your birthday wishes come true.
Happy birthday… hoping it all turns around for you soon.
Happy Birthday Ali, I am a long time reader and my thoughts and prayers always go your way. I hope something makes you smile today 🙂
Fingers crossed for a happy, and HEALTHIER, 28!
Happy Birthday, Ali!!!! It’s going to get better soon!!
Wishing you happy birthday and feel better wishes. That lap around the lake sounds spectacular. Hope you get to take it soon! Until then, oatmeal cookies!
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I’ve been reading your blog for about six months now, absolutely LOVE it and you. Also, today I realized you and I have the same birthday! So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you know we are all rooting for you and you totally deserve your wish after all you have been through!
Happy Birthday to YOU!
I hope you are able to work a full day today. That Peperidge Farm cake is the best. I actually like it better with the center still slightly frozen or maybe I tell myself that because I don’t have the patience to wait for it to fully defrost.
Ali, have a happy birthday and I hope all your 28 wishes come true sooner rather than later, especially the ones about being healthy.
Happy birthday, Ali! I am so sorry this one sucks. I am hoping that all of us collectively wishing for your birthday dreams to come true will make them come true! Also I hope that your doctor has some wisdom for you today.
Happy Birthday Ali!! I hope this year brings you a treatment that will help you feel better and get back into your Brooks quickly!
Happy Birthday! I hope you feel better soon!
Joyeux anniversaire Ali 🙂
I hope your last wish will come true. I really do. It is brave of you to still be here telling us your story. You know, I am still happy to get news from you even if they are not the ones we all expect. It s a very hard time for you and you are still here. It sucks, you feel down and who wouldn’t feel like that ? Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I send you lots of positive energy, courage and best wishes. And try to enjoy your birthday 🙂
Happy birthday beautiful, as hard as today and the last several months have been, you still manage to be as positive as you possibly can, and some of that humor in there too for good measure 🙂 My wish for your birthday is that you get that cake (with one fork) AND feel better…XOXO
I think I’m your 28th comment on your 28th birthday – so let me be the 28th person to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Happy birthday!
Hi Ali. I hope you get some birthday magic and that as many of your wishes come true as possible. Get well soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALI!!!!
Happy birthday, Ali. I really, really hope you get your wish.
Hi Ali
This post really broke my heart. I feel the same way about my 13 year old son with Crohn’s. Just want him to be a happy, healthy 13 year old starting today and we are going through so much as well. When he was on Humira, he got a bad rash as well. I am sure you are but I hope your doctor is in close contact with you about what is going on. It’s a sucky disease and I am doing my best to help so we can all go back to being normal and running races of course!
And Happy Birthday. Things will get better from here.
Best,
Stacy
Happy Birthday! I hope you feel better for your birthday and that this next year is even better for you!
Happy Birthday Ali!
And let this coming year be much better then last year.
Happy birthday Ali! I’ve been anonymously following your blog for a few months now and love reading about your running success. I hope you feel better soon and fingers crossed you can make it around the reservoir today!
Happy Birthday Ali! Try to have a Happy Birthday and a Year filled with Good Wishes and Dreams coming true! Hopefully the Humira will kick in very shortly, and you will start to feel back to your healthy self. Remember this is not forever, you’ll be running the marathons in no time! 🙂
Happy Birthday!! Hope you are feeling better soon.
Happy Birthday to the most awesome person ever. It’s fcking unfair that you’re spending your birthday not feeling well, and Blue is VERY angry about that (He gave me the stink-eye-pink-eye about it this morning, I told him unfortunately I can’t do anything specific but that we can go visit again soon and he kind of sighed and then peed, so that was that…) And we would totally move uptown, i’ll just let michael know we should sell the apartment, after all we’re moving in friday i’m sure i’ll be over it by saturday?? 😉
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO
Happy birthday! I hope your birthday wishes come true
Happy Birthday! I hope the Humira kicks in and you are miraculously cured today!
Speaking of first birthday parties, I attended my BFF’s daughter’s birthday party a few months ago and was super excited for the cake eating. So they have a 20 minute video of her with her cake, with a voiceover from me urging her to smash it in her face. She didn’t really get the concept.
Happy Birthday Ali! I hope you feel better soon!
Here’s hoping all that and more for you! Happy 28th!
HBD, Ali. I share your sentiments re: adult bday celebrations. I’m also a huge grouch when it comes to my bday. I’m so fun! I truly hope the drugs kick in soon… just in time for spring and the BK half.. <3 Liz (& MCH)
Oh and Sara’s dogs are amazing. I like the shit out of all her instagram pics. I am going to be on the look out for that pup when I’m in town next weekend… bc I’m a creep like like. 🙂
Happy happy, Ali! Wishing and praying for your wishes to come true (even if you wrote them aloud). I hope you are showered in lots of birthday love today!
And F you Crohn’s. Go the F away.
Happy Birthday Ali! Hope your wishes come true
Happy Birthday Ali! I’m so sorry you’re still not feeling well 🙁 I’m sending as many positive vibes your way as I possibly can. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately since I am going through a flare up and there doesn’t seem to be anything anyone can do…Feeling helpless sucks. A
I disagree with you re: the adult birthday concept. Today you should be showered with treats and love and happiness and renditions of “happy birthday” in as many awkward languages as possible. Happy Birthday!! Wishing you happy and healthy year!
Happy Birthday, Ali! Sending happy, healthy birthday vibes your way! And that panda puppy is adorable!!!
Happy Birthday, Ali. I hope the magic of the birthday wishes brings you better health soon!
I’m sending you happy and healthy birthday vibes!
This made me so sad. Sadder than when Maddie isn’t on top of the pyramid. Ok, seriously – I feel terribly for you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY and I hope 28 is much much healthier 🙂
Happy Birthday! Get well soon!
Wishing all of those things for you today, Ali– happy birthday! Sending you every last ounce of good juju I’ve got.
Happy Birthday! Mine is Thursday. Get better!!!
I wish all of those things for you, too! Happy birthday, Ali! I really hope today starts a healthy, pain-free year.
Happy birthday! I’m sending happy, healthy vibes your way as a birthday gift. I hope you have a great day!
Happy birthday! i REALLY hope you feel good today and are able to have a happy birthday.
Happy Birthday Ali! I hope this will be the beginning of a healthy year for you.
Happy birthday, Ali! Sending you lots of wishes for a happy, healthy year ahead.
Happy Birthday! I hope you get at least some of those wishes today 🙁 I can’t believe you are still sick and they can’t get you better. Praying something works soon!
Happy Birthday Ali! Sending happy thoughts/prayers/hugs your way… fingers crossed that at least a couple of your wishes come true!
Stay strong lady, you’re amazing.
Happy Birthday, Ali!