Let’s get right into it.
I’m still not feeling great. I’m still not spending my time running because bouncing up and down is not something my dumb disease will get on board with right now.
And while that makes me feel very sad — and a little bit lazy — it does give me so much time to spend alone with my thoughts.
I thought perhaps we could ease into this week together. So I will now share with you many of my thoughts.
In a numerical way. For clarity.
Thought #1: I loathe websites that automatically resize my browser when I visit them. It’s rude and inconsiderate. And I’m very specific about my internet browser dimensions.
Thought #2: Memory foam pillows, in the winter, turn into rock pillows. They are the worst and they aren’t mushy when it’s cold out. But I can’t bring myself to replace them because they were expensive.
Thought #3: You know those health articles in the lady magazines that are like, “Save calories when you’re eating out by passing on the bread basket! Get a cup of soup instead!”? You know what that tip does? It gives me the grand idea to actually order both the soup and the bread basket, that way I can dunk my bread into my French Onion. Their plan backfires, I get extra calories instead of fewer ones, and I feel content because my soggy bread was so good.
Thought #4: I would always rather watch something I’ve already seen than explore something new. I love re-watching stuff. It’s a calming, stress-free activity for me. It’s not like, “Ohhhhhhh shoot, how will this end? Does Deborah die? Do the dinosaurs really become extinct?” I suffer through that suspense once, but then I’m good to go. I never again have to question whether or not Jody Sawyer gets offered a contract with American Ballet Academy.
Thought #5: I can’t sleep well on planes. I really hate that about myself. If I do manage to pass out on board, I always seem to wake myself up just as my head flops down onto the person next to me. And also my mouth is wide open and I’m drooling a little.
Thought #6: I can’t sleep with my feet on the ground at all. I need to have them lifted up. Any type of sleep-sitting is near impossible. But get me horizontal and I’m out.
Thought #7: I love and am endlessly fascinated by massive structures. Stadiums, monuments, Mormon temples…basically anything I can easily spot from 35,000 feet in the air. I also like people who are so tall that their heads touch the top of the subway car.
Thought #8: It gives me anxiety when people favorite my Tweets. Why are you doing that? So you can hold them against me in the future when I run for President of 16 Handles?
Thought #9: I hated working in the food service industry (I was a waitress during and immediately after college), but it made me a better person and a way better tipper. It’s hard work and you have to be very patient with people. Everyone should do it at some point. Maybe schools can make Waitressing 101 part of their core requirements?
Thought #10: I’ve never caught a glimpse of the Statue of Liberty and not gotten tourist-level excited about it. This city fascinates me endlessly.
Thought #11: The towels at the gym don’t fit me. They just don’t, and it makes showering there and getting ready for my day insanely difficult. Those towels are tiny. It’s like this brilliant, passive-aggressive scheme by all the gyms. “Work out more, and maybe someday you’ll be able to wrap this towel around you and not flash the entire locker room while you’re blow drying your hair. Sucker.”
Thought #12: I am an equal opportunity itcher. So, for example, if I have an itch on my right arm, I then also feel compelled to scratch that same spot on my left arm. I need to be symmetrically scratched.
Thought #13: The thought of mayonnaise makes me ill.
Thought #14: Turns out, I know all the words to “Hoedown Throwdown.” And some of the dance moves. You know what I’m talking about, right? The hit dance track from the classic film, Hannah Montana: The Movie. Pop it, lock it, polka dot it…and then rent it. Get on board. The plot is a little stressful, I’ll admit that, but it’s a Disney flick, so you can count on a happy ending.
Thought #15: I will always choose to listen to the remix over the original. This is true for Britney tunes and also Celine Dion’s more up-tempo-y take on “I Drove All Night.”
Thought #16: Clemseed alert! Red level clemseed alert!
Caught you. (This one isn’t so much a thought as it is a panic attack and utterly spastic, fruit-induced meltdown.)
Thought #17: When left to its own shuffling, my phone will rotate exclusively between Christmas songs and the occasional embarrassing Pearl Harbor movie theme song that somehow made its way into my iTunes library. Even when I uncheck the little boxes, these songs still make a heavy presence on my shuffle playlist.
Thought #18: I don’t like paying in cash because of the way the cashiers always hand the money back. It’s ridiculous. Piling the slippery change on top of the slippery dollar inevitably means dinero is flying everywhere except seamlessly into my wallet. Plus, I think a sick part of my brain has me convinced that credit cards use fake money. Unlimited, debtless, fake money. And cashiers, hand me the change first, so I can ball it up into my hand, and then I’ll take the dollars. Please also give me extra dollars from your drawer stash. It’s fine. It’s legal. I won’t even tell.
Thought #19: I never really understood why singing in the shower was a thing. Is it because we’re bored in there? Is it because singing makes our dirty bodies cleaner? I never knew. But now I grasp it: The acoustics in the shower are perfection. When I’m in there, I swear I actually give Celine a run for her money. And she has so much money I bet.
When I’m in there, lathering up and belting out that finale song from Pitch Perfect, I sound amazing. It’s like I am in there, harmonizing and single handedly defining the term “pitch perfect.” The Bellas are going to come knocking on my bathroom door to recruit me any day now. Wait for it…
Thought #20: I kind of miss writing about running. And, you know, running in general.
Happy Monday, people! Get to work.