Let’s get right into it.
I’m still not feeling great. I’m still not spending my time running because bouncing up and down is not something my dumb disease will get on board with right now.
And while that makes me feel very sad — and a little bit lazy — it does give me so much time to spend alone with my thoughts.
I thought perhaps we could ease into this week together. So I will now share with you many of my thoughts.
In a numerical way. For clarity.
Thought #1: I loathe websites that automatically resize my browser when I visit them. It’s rude and inconsiderate. And I’m very specific about my internet browser dimensions.
Thought #2: Memory foam pillows, in the winter, turn into rock pillows. They are the worst and they aren’t mushy when it’s cold out. But I can’t bring myself to replace them because they were expensive.
Thought #3: You know those health articles in the lady magazines that are like, “Save calories when you’re eating out by passing on the bread basket! Get a cup of soup instead!”? You know what that tip does? It gives me the grand idea to actually order both the soup and the bread basket, that way I can dunk my bread into my French Onion. Their plan backfires, I get extra calories instead of fewer ones, and I feel content because my soggy bread was so good.
Thought #4: I would always rather watch something I’ve already seen than explore something new. I love re-watching stuff. It’s a calming, stress-free activity for me. It’s not like, “Ohhhhhhh shoot, how will this end? Does Deborah die? Do the dinosaurs really become extinct?” I suffer through that suspense once, but then I’m good to go. I never again have to question whether or not Jody Sawyer gets offered a contract with American Ballet Academy.
Thought #5: I can’t sleep well on planes. I really hate that about myself. If I do manage to pass out on board, I always seem to wake myself up just as my head flops down onto the person next to me. And also my mouth is wide open and I’m drooling a little.
Thought #6: I can’t sleep with my feet on the ground at all. I need to have them lifted up. Any type of sleep-sitting is near impossible. But get me horizontal and I’m out.
Thought #7: I love and am endlessly fascinated by massive structures. Stadiums, monuments, Mormon temples…basically anything I can easily spot from 35,000 feet in the air. I also like people who are so tall that their heads touch the top of the subway car.
Thought #8: It gives me anxiety when people favorite my Tweets. Why are you doing that? So you can hold them against me in the future when I run for President of 16 Handles?
Thought #9: I hated working in the food service industry (I was a waitress during and immediately after college), but it made me a better person and a way better tipper. It’s hard work and you have to be very patient with people. Everyone should do it at some point. Maybe schools can make Waitressing 101 part of their core requirements?
Thought #10: I’ve never caught a glimpse of the Statue of Liberty and not gotten tourist-level excited about it. This city fascinates me endlessly.
Thought #11: The towels at the gym don’t fit me. They just don’t, and it makes showering there and getting ready for my day insanely difficult. Those towels are tiny. It’s like this brilliant, passive-aggressive scheme by all the gyms. “Work out more, and maybe someday you’ll be able to wrap this towel around you and not flash the entire locker room while you’re blow drying your hair. Sucker.”
Thought #12: I am an equal opportunity itcher. So, for example, if I have an itch on my right arm, I then also feel compelled to scratch that same spot on my left arm. I need to be symmetrically scratched.
Thought #13: The thought of mayonnaise makes me ill.
Thought #14: Turns out, I know all the words to “Hoedown Throwdown.” And some of the dance moves. You know what I’m talking about, right? The hit dance track from the classic film, Hannah Montana: The Movie. Pop it, lock it, polka dot it…and then rent it. Get on board. The plot is a little stressful, I’ll admit that, but it’s a Disney flick, so you can count on a happy ending.
Thought #15: I will always choose to listen to the remix over the original. This is true for Britney tunes and also Celine Dion’s more up-tempo-y take on “I Drove All Night.”
Thought #16: Clemseed alert! Red level clemseed alert!
Caught you. (This one isn’t so much a thought as it is a panic attack and utterly spastic, fruit-induced meltdown.)
Thought #17: When left to its own shuffling, my phone will rotate exclusively between Christmas songs and the occasional embarrassing Pearl Harbor movie theme song that somehow made its way into my iTunes library. Even when I uncheck the little boxes, these songs still make a heavy presence on my shuffle playlist.
Thought #18: I don’t like paying in cash because of the way the cashiers always hand the money back. It’s ridiculous. Piling the slippery change on top of the slippery dollar inevitably means dinero is flying everywhere except seamlessly into my wallet. Plus, I think a sick part of my brain has me convinced that credit cards use fake money. Unlimited, debtless, fake money. And cashiers, hand me the change first, so I can ball it up into my hand, and then I’ll take the dollars. Please also give me extra dollars from your drawer stash. It’s fine. It’s legal. I won’t even tell.
Thought #19: I never really understood why singing in the shower was a thing. Is it because we’re bored in there? Is it because singing makes our dirty bodies cleaner? I never knew. But now I grasp it: The acoustics in the shower are perfection. When I’m in there, I swear I actually give Celine a run for her money. And she has so much money I bet.
When I’m in there, lathering up and belting out that finale song from Pitch Perfect, I sound amazing. It’s like I am in there, harmonizing and single handedly defining the term “pitch perfect.” The Bellas are going to come knocking on my bathroom door to recruit me any day now. Wait for it…
Thought #20: I kind of miss writing about running. And, you know, running in general.
Happy Monday, people! Get to work.
Those zuchinni tots look so good!!
I don’t understand singing in the shower one little bit.
I worked as a waitress at a really busy IHOP for almost 5 years. I tip very well!
#11 is SO funny! I think that’s true for everybody! They probably make them so tiny so a) they can fit more in the washer and b)people are discouraged from using them!
You’ve been silent for a bit, which is totally your right. Just wanted to stay I hope all is well.
I agree with #9! I was never a waitress, but I was a hostess at Steak & Shake in high school, and I worked as a cashier/barista in a bakery, and it was difficult work! I’m not sure I have the patience/personality to be a waitress, but I think that everyone should work a minimum wage job at least once in their life!
I had a super awful day at work yesterday and didn’t leave the office until 10pm. I’m sitting on the bus this morning on my way to work and reading your post put the biggest smile on my face. I think I even giggled a few times and got some weird looks, whatever. Somehow, I really needed that. My fav part was about how cashiers give you your change back— I totally agree! They prob do it so that we drop our change, then don’t bother picking up the coins, then they get extra $$. Maybe? Eh maybe not…. 😉
Haha this post totally made my day. I’m kind of where you’re at currently….. stomach= no bueno. But I’m still not sure if it’s a flare or what… ugh annoying. No running for me= not a happy girl! But this post…. especially #4 made me happy. I do the same thing (with fullhouse and boy meets world episodes… oh child of the ’90s). My boyfriend thinks I’m nuts and now I can tell him I am not the only one in the universe. 🙂
WHY ARE THE GYM TOWELS SO TINY?!?! I have this thought every single day.
I could never understand people who sleep on planes, although I envy them so. Usually I wake myself up from the pain in my neck as it falls to the side. I wish my 12 lbs bowling ball could just stay still!
I laughed out loud for 95 percent of this post..,particular the Clem seed “incident”. Hysterical…only bad part was I was reading it while ignoring the conversation on my conference call at work ad I’m pretty sure everyone wondered who the weirdo was chucking on the line. Oops.
The llama hat is so fucking rad – I want one now. #9 – right there with you. And #16 – those insidious little bastards!
#6 – I’m the same exact way! I can never fall asleep on planes either. Must be laying down!
#9 – totally agreed. I definitely think all people should be required to work at a restaurant at some point in their life. I mean, everyone eats in restaurants…
I’ve waitressed many years and have decided that everyone needs to do it in their life just once! they will then understand and be much more kind. it is actually stressful (and i hate it) but what can ya do. the money is good….also I know Hoedown throwdown….
Ahh!! I found a seed in my clementine last week and it totally freaked me out! The seed was like as big as the whole fruit! Ok not really, but bigger than a watermelon seed.
BUT YOU’RE STILL WATCHING PARENTHOOD, RIGHT?
Sorry. I get worked up over my shows. Try Friday Night Lights also. For serious.
STILL WATCHING. I finished Season 1 this weekend and I’m a few episodes into the second season now. I want to adopt Jabbar. I can think of no cuter child.
Agreed. Also, Crosby does some questionable things during Seasons 1 and 2, but he is still my favorite Braverman.
LOL @ #16!! Clementines can seriously be so dangerous! Never know if/when/how many seeds you’re gonna get, and in which piece. So sneaky. PS. Awww I love that your boo’s toothbrush has migrated back to its rightful place. 🙂
I feel the same way when people favorite my tweets. I don’t get it. Are they just letting me know they like them? I’m so confused by the whole concept.
BUT was Jonathan going to offer her a spot in the company? I still wonder.
IT DOESN’T MATTER. SHE’S HAPPY IN THE END. (And if Jonathan were to offer her a contract, he’s an idiot. Jody has bad feet, after all.)
# 18 always drives me insane. And then you are expected to get out of the way quickly so the next person can pay even though you are madly trying to take care of the change that was given to you so ineptly.
The towels at my gym might as well be wash clothes and they are so old and scratchy they exfoliate when you dry yourself off.
I’m with you on the change thing. I was a cashier once and I never handed people the bills before the change because it doesn’t make sense. Seriously that’s cashier etiquette 101; why don’t they teach that.
I don’t think I have ever been to a gym that had appropriate sized towels. (Except a few fancy hotel gyms). I can barely get it around me and feel bad for those who are larger than I because it is not an option for them.
And yes, mayo creeps me out. I cannot buy a jar of it so I use the packets for my boyfriend’s sandwiches.
If it helps lessen your anxiety, I used to sometimes favorite tweets because my old phone was so clunky that clicking on external links was painful. Then, I would check out the links later on my laptop. And yes, mayo can be gag-reflex-inducing.
um…hello awesome taste in movies! loved the centre stage shout out. and i just watched pitch perfect for the first time this weekend and could NOT STOP LAUGHING! i loved it!
Omelette just sounds fancier!! I love UK spellings. Like grey rather than gray. And the love of massive structures may be a good thing being in NYC!! Deff a help
I can guarantee that I’ve favorited some of your Tweets and if that’s caused you anxiety, I definitely apologize.
Thanks for the chuckles.
I’ll admit that my hatred of mayo is so bad that during my wedding planning my maid of honor gave me a Tiffany box with an individual packet of mayo in it as a way to destress me (I threw it at her but laughed).
Enjoy your week and feel well!
BUT WE DON’T KNOW IF JODY GOT IN OR NOT. She joined Cooper’s “start up” instead!!! Were they going to give her an offer??? Did she make a huge mistake???
Love this post 😀 Every time you write these I’m laughing and thinking about them for the rest of the day.
Yep, omelette is definitely spelt correctly in the UK! Your British readers agree!!!
And I can’t sleep on planes either, which makes the red-eye from SF to the UK fairly miserable!!
I love that hat!
I really thought I was the only person who doesn’t like mayonaise, people think I’m odd when I tell them.
We love omelettes (I’m English, so it’s the correct spelling!) in our house. I separate out the egg white, and whip it up a bit before adding back the yolk and the fillings. It makes the omelette fluffy, and huge!
Ten points to you for that Center Stage reference. Well done.
Those zucchini tots look amazing. I want them to magically appear in front of me right now.
And also, I now want to watch Center Stage. It’s been too long!
I truly believe that I sound acca-awesome when I sing in the shower. and the car.
(PS i may or may not have the entire Pitch Perfect soundtrack on my phone…)
I hate how cashiers hand back money too! Do you know how hard it is to get the change into the little pocket in the back of your wallet while trying to keep control of the bills? Hand me the change, let me put it in my wallet then hand me the bills.
Say it isn’t so…REMIX versions???? Noooooo!!! Except (single exception) the remix of Fleetwood Mac & some rapper that I heard yesterday.
this was amazing. and i am with you about singing in the shower. i have the worst voice known to man but that’s just because man hasn’t heard me in the shower yet. duh
I spell omelette like that too! NO ONE ELSE DOES. It seems correct, like the other way was a very common misspelling that just took. It infuriates me. MISSPELLINGS SHOULD NEVER TAKE.
Singing in the shower is the best. I chose to be Eponine this weekend and totally outdid the Les Mis cast… ish. Feel better, Ali!
Well my Monday has officially been made…my heart smiled as I read this post, especially #4, 15, 16, 19!!! Do I sense another Celine fan out there? (I may be a slightly closeted fan as my friends constantly make fun of me but a fan none the less).
Hope you’re feeling better
I love the Center Stage reference! Also, I totally agree about receiving change from cashiers. Why can’t the coins go in your hand first then the bills?!? I think this every time.
Yes im pretty sure we spell omlette like that in the UK! also I totally agree about the ipod shuffle, all i seem to have are carols!!
Mayonnaise freaks me out. I think it is because I used to have to use gallon tubs at my summer job, and it gave me the heeby-jeebies. Gross gross grossness.
Sorry you are not feeling well. Sending feel good vibes your way!
I am totally with you on thought #1. I hate when websites do that. I do spend time to resize my browser EXACTLY the way I want. It is not for a stupid website to ruin it all !
And, just for information, “omelette” is the French word 🙂
Pretty sure, I favorited one of your tweets recently. How did you know I was saving it to use it against you one day very very soon?
Mind blown…my bed has felt hard as a rock the past few weeks and I never once considered the possibility that the memory foam would harden when it’s cold. Does this mean I have to turn up the heat?
I think we need a close-up of that llama hat. It looks amazing but it’s from a distance 🙂